Why Is It So Hard to Like Nice Guys?
Posted March dating, Reviewed by Michelle Quirk. In modern society, nice people seem to get overlooked. After all, as the expression goes, "nice guys and gals finish last. Is being nice always a disadvantage—particularly in dating and relationships?
I went back to the research to find out. Now, this was not my first dive into the topic. I've previously written about women's dating preferences for nice guys vs.
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The problem with that research is that it uses different scenarios, describing "nice" behaviors, but never really identifiying the underlying personality traits or characteristics dating a nice person in general. So, I had to look more deeply—and define "nice" a bit more clearly.
Fortunately, one of the click at this page personality differences seems to fit well this web page the "bad vs. Known as The Big Two, it describes people along two major dimensions Wiggins, The first tips is competencewhich describes a personality that is full of agency, uniqueness, and ambition.
The second dimension is warmthwhich describes a personality that seeks communion, relatedness with others, and tips. Given that framework, it isn't nice hard to see that the "bad boy and girl" highlights the first factor, while the "nice guy and gal" exemplifies the second factor. One generally challenges the system and values ambition. The other tends to go along to get along and values relationships with others.
Nice Guys Finish First
With this distinction, I click able to find nice much more about the fate of nice people—and how they can win at dating and mating.
So, how do the dating and mating efforts of warm and competent people differ from one another? Do they want different things in a mate? Does culture play a role in whether they get it? These questions were explored in an international mating study conducted by Gebauer, Leary, and Neberich The team looked at how the above Big Two dimensions of personality related to preferences for the Big Three mate characteristics of attractivenessstatusand interpersonal warmth.
The nice also looked at tips these preferences differed across 11 countries—depending on how much the culture of each country valued attractiveness in a mate. Initial results supported the idea that individuals prefer mates similar to themselves. Specifically, warm folks prioritized partners who were also high in warmth. In contrast, competent individuals preferred partners who were attractive and high status instead. In that scenario, everybody finds a compatible partner and gets what they want. Unfortunately, people do not match up that way in every culture Gebauer, Leary, and Neberich found a wrinkle in the tips process when they looked across cultures.
The competent folks also known as agentictended to go against cultural norms probably why they get the "bad" reputation. In contrast, the warm folks also known as communaltended to be agreeable and conform to cultural norms instead hence the "nice" reputation. Given that difference, however, in cultures that focus on dating, the matching process got guy and thrown out of whack. As a result, in those cultures, everyone tends to prioritize at least better-than-average attractiveness in a mate—rather than picking someone similar to themselves on the wider range of mate characteristics.
Furthermore, because no one is valuing nice partners even nice people themselvesthey tend to get overlooked guy attractiveness-focused societies. If you live in an attractiveness-focused culture, this lopsided mating market preference might seem familiar to you. If you are a nice and warm person, you've probably really felt the squeeze and frustration. That is because, as I have discussed in nice book Attraction Psychology and previous posts, following mixed-up social rules doesn't work—especially for you.
Nevertheless, as the research above hints at, there are still ways you can finish first in love. To start, focus on learning the basics about love and relationships, especially the balance between passion and companionship. Those factors also relate to charisma and the traits of influence and affabilitytoo. Within that click to see more, as a nice and warm person, your strengths are aligned with being an affable companion.
That personality emotionally stable, agreeable, etc. When you focus on matching with a partner who is also warm and agreeable, you and they win, especially with regard to long-term love. When you "guy" a society stressing attractiveness, however, and prioritize computer hookup based on passion and influence, then there is a mismatch in compatibility.
In that scenario, nice guys and gals can finish last. Specifically, they can get stuck in the friend zone, or as friends-with-benefits, by trying to connect with a colder and less agreeable mate. Therefore, it pays for nice people to prioritize finding partners with similar warm and agreeable personalities as themselves.
This is true, even if you have to go against what your culture is valuing, or if you have to find a community in which those traits are more highly valued. Gebauer, J. Big two personality and big three mate preferences: Similarity attracts, but country-level mate preferences crucially matter.
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38 12— Mousavi, R. Relationship between Big Five personality factors neuroticism, extroversion, agreeableness, openness, loyalty and marital adjustment. NeuroQuantology15 4.
What Makes a "Nice" Person?
Jeremy Nicholson, M. A diagnosis often brings relief, but it can also come with as many questions as answers. Jeremy Nicholson M. The Attraction Doctor. Key points Nice people have warm personalities, which makes them good companions and socially moral individuals. In cultures that value warmth, they follow social norms and meet similarly warm romantic partners.
In cultures focused on attractiveness, however, they can get guy and conform to unsatisfying standards. Mating Essential Reads.
How to Avoid "Kittenfishing" in Online Dating. References Gebauer, J. Dating the Author. More from Jeremy Nicholson M. More from Psychology Today. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Mental Health.
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