Whether you love kids or can't stand them, whether you're already a parent or you're childfree, dating someone with kids is hard. Mystifyingly, disproportionately, unbelievably hard. There's a bunch of reasons for this. Trying to fit romance in around a schedule that's at least twice as chaotic as other people's. Exponentially increased potential for stress and drama. That whole "kids come first" thing creating abominable snowmonsters where there once were dating little snowflakes.
Counterpoint
Even if your new partner gets along cheerfully with their ex, even if your future stepkids are an absolute delight, even under the most ideal circumstances possible, there's a million more balls to people when dating someone with kids compared to regular dating. And of course, the percentage of us who are dating under ideal circumstances is pretty teensy. Everyday life is complicated enough as it is, which can make adding any relationship feel like a bit of a tight squeeze. But when you're dating someone with kids, you with to make room not just for your new partner's schedule, but their kids' schedules and personalities too.
Successfully blending a family takes a long time — 5 to 7 years on average per Dr. I quote this statistic a lotbecause it's such an objective reminder that you are not just dating; you are committing. Committing in a way that you've never committed, committing to a path that might be far rockier than you imagined. No one except you can click the following article the question of whether you should date someone with kids. Whether you're ready to be a stepparent, whether kids be a good one, whether maybe you should cut loose and look for a less complicated relationship elsewhere instead.
Only you know your strengths and your limits. If you are positive, on a planet of some 7 billion souls, that you dating found Your Person, and that person just happens to have a rugrat or two, then you're just click for source this.
Buckle up and hang on. These tips can help you avoid some of the most common pitfalls that could trip you up. I know we just talked about this, but really I can't stress it enough: dating someone with kids is hard.
And not in the ways you'd expect; in totally different more complicated ways! More exasperating, exhausting ways!! You'll suspect your partner's kids don't want you around — and you'll be right. You'll feel click at this page to defend your choices to everyone from your own mother to your partner's ex to strangers on the street.
With had kids to do with their upbringing! You want to be involved, but not so much that you're overstepping. You want to help your partner with the kids, yet you're not realllllly comfortable parenting.
2. THE KIDS HAVE A MOM
You need to give your pre-stepkids space, but not so much that it seems like you don't care. You need to be realistic about the role you're taking on as a stepparent, yet optimistic enough to keep on truckin' when the road gets dicey. You're turning all your personal preconceptions about what being a stepparent means upside down and redefining the role till it makes sense to you.
Basically, you find you're accomplishing impossible, superhuman feats on the daily when here you thought you were just dating someone who happens to have kids — hm, kids. Good news: hard is not the same thing as impossible. Just don't waltz in thinking this whole dating-with-kids thing will be a breeze. You'll end up flat on your ass not knowing what hit you. I am a total kid person. I have always loved kids and they have always loved me, so dating a guy with a kid didn't seem like that big a deal to me, especially since I already had a kid of my own.
There was no part of me that worried about not getting along with his kid. And I was so unprepared. Kids love me!! Not kids those people stepparents whose stepkids reject them and who therefore must surely be doing many wrong things. So many stepparenting resources are written as if all incoming stepparents are childless morons who have never interacted with an actual child.
1. Heart Posture
Which may lead you to falsely believe as I did that stepparents who don't get along with their stepkids must just be clueless about kids in general and that's the whole problem. I thought any stepparent who didn't immediately fall head over heels for their stepkid must just not like kids that much. Read: there's something wrong with those stepparents, obviously. And vice versa, if your stepkid dating like you, you're clearly not trying hard enough.
Read: yep, the stepparent is still the problem here. But for a kid person such as myself, surely my transition into becoming a stepparent would be way easier. For a kid person like me, then the stepparent-stepkid relationship would totally click. If you like kids, then yes, you have one less hurdle to overcome.
Also, there are no shortcuts that will force the kids to like you. You just gotta hang in there and put in the time. If you were just dating someone people kids and that single element — the mere presence of tiny humans — were the only wild card, becoming a stepparent would be way easier. But there's sooooo much more to dating someone with kids than trading in candlelit dinners for play dates:. Your time with your new partner is impacted by their time with their kids. How long should you wait to meet your partner's kid, anyway?
You don't kids to wait so long that everyone gets performance anxiety, but you also don't want to get too close too quickly. Also, are you emotionally scarring your partner's child if you hold hands in front of them? What about kissing? Is kissing in front of the kids okay? Cute-sounding dates like "Let's go to my kid's soccer game and grab pizza on the way home!
Calls or texts kids awkward times from your partner's ex, which are hopefully only visit web page except sometimes they aren't and you don't always know which is which and you feel weird asking. Mid-stream plan changes due to kid stuff like someone getting homesick while at a sleepover and needing immediate picking up. Ruined plans due to last-minute visitation schedule changes… maybe frequently.
Your own unrealistic expectations about blended family lifeyour stepkid's behavior toward you and your partner's willingness or lack thereof to be your advocate. Your partner's unrealistic expectations about the role or lack thereof you'll play in your stepkid's life, about how involved you'll be or not be, about what counts as overstepping vs. How supportive your family and friends are about you dating someone with kids, including how much well-meaning but crap advice you'll have to wade through.
The degree to which you're willing to let go of your personal vision for the family you hoped to have someday and the future you envisioned for yourself. To sum up: dating someone with kids is about WAY more than just the kids. You can't separate the kids from everything that connects those kids to your partner — custody schedules, extracurricular activities, the other parent, general kid and parenting stuff, financial obligations, endless driving kids around to here or there.
Focus on flexibility and keep yourself open to changes happening — because happen they will, and more often than with probably expect. I don't think any pre-stepparent with half a brain thinks their future stepkids will fall in romeo dating site with them overnight. Sure, there'll be a bit of a warming up period.
Some shyness, some reluctance…but they'll come around once they get to know you, right? I was totally fine with my Bio for dating site initial hesitance around me.
But I started feeling less dating as weeks turned into months and then into years… and as hesitance turned into committed rejection.
I spent years feeling like a stepparenting failure, wondering what I was doing people, wondering if me and my stepkid would ever have a relationship that could remotely be considered positive. Most kids don't want to get to know whoever their parent is dating.
They'll actively resist getting to know you.
1. Dating someone with kids is really hard
And again, not just the first few times you meet, but for weeks, months, even years. Dan and With had been together nearly 4 years by the time we got married. At our wedding, out of hundreds of photos taken, I have exactly 2 where my stepdaughter is dating. Yet a year later, my SD wrote a school paper on how beautiful the wedding was, what an important and exciting day in her life. These are the kinds of glimpses you catch that your stepkids' emotions are conflicted and barriers are dissolving. It was those few and far between online jw dating of hope that helped me rally, haul myself up, and keep going.
Dating someone with kids is a mixed bag. There's what's happening on the surface, but then there's all the churning complicated currents reaching for miles and miles down below. Building this relationship will take years, not months. On average. In a high-conflict situation, up to a decade people more. If you are in this, you are in for the long haul, so remember to pace yourself. Don't take every small rejection to heart. Your presence matters. Your contributions matter. Even if it takes years for your stepkids to see that.
17 Tips for Dating Someone with Kids
Only after I'd been dating Dan for somewhere like 2 or 3 years feeling like I was failing at this stepparenting thing pretty much the entire time did it finally occur to me that maybe there were some kind of stepmom resources I could look into that would help me figure out what I was doing wrong. I read all of them within the week, called my mom all excited that omg omg omg everything I was going through was normal and I wasn't the worst human on the planet for having such mixed feelings about being a stepmom well, pre-stepmom.
Reassuring books explaining that me not getting along with my future stepdaughter was typical, that my bio kid and my stepkid not getting along was also typical, that all the incredibly complex and contradictory emotions I cycled through roughly every 12 seconds was totally standard. But remember, you're NOT a stepmom. She said it to be supportive, as in "Gosh, I hate to see you taking all this on when you don't have to.