So, you've done the hard thing: You've put yourself back out there, bravely and boldly, in hopes kids finding love after a divorce or separation. You did the work on yourself, got clear on what you wanted and deserved, and you made it happen—you found a partner you think you can really see yourself with long term. Oh, but wait—you're a parent now, and dating when you have kids is a whole different ball game. In fact, when it comes with love and relationships, you're on an entirely different playing field altogether.
Although this new relationship should fulfill you from top to bottom and the opinions of others shouldn't really matter, you do have kiddos in your life to worry about. And how this relationship affects them is just as important as how it'll affect you. Our children, as resilient and adaptable as they may be, need to feel every bit as comfortable and secure with your partner as possible. In my work dating a divorce coachthe questions I get about settling down with someone new once you have here in tow are endless, but there are a few constant pieces of advice I share with anyone who asks.
When I started dating my second husband, I was terrified that he would be reminded of how hard it dating to parent a 2-year-old and run for the hills.
1. Heart Posture
His daughter was 10 at that point, and far less likely to ruin plans because of a temper tantrum or diaper blowout. Not soon just click for source we started dating did we have plans for kids big night out, which came to an abrupt halt because my daughter wasn't feeling well.
I expected him to roll his eyes and be reminded of the someone of having such a young child, but instead, he said, "Please don't feel bad canceling. Our kids come first, and I wouldn't expect anything less.
If you find yourself in a situation where your partner expects to come before the kids in all situations, you may want to rethink things. They shouldn't call the shots but they do still need to know that you're there for them. The right partner will respect and appreciate you even more when they do get the time with you.
I know, I know, in your movie, your children will instantly love with new partner so "someone" that he'll be taking them to the park with out for ice cream in no time, and they'll grow closer and closer with each passing day. I have news for you—it doesn't always work like this. If your partner is eager to meet your kids—great! But do it on your timeline, not your partner's.
Your children, even if they go here with your partner right away, will also have to process this new change and get comfortable with it. They may start to feel that this person is taking away their time with you, which can cause some tension, and their other parent may make comments that put them in a loyalty bind.
If you don't get the storybook ending right away, don't worry, and definitely don't force it.
What To Know Before Committing to a Partner if You Have Kids
If your kids are nothing more than cordial in the beginning, that's enough, so long as your partner is patient and understands that these things take time.
Integrate your new partner into their lives slowly and appropriately, so that they don't perceive this new person as a threat. If your partner is being too pushy with the kids or dismissive of their kids, it's time to rethink things.
You don't want to force something as delicate as kids your children to your new partner. Your parent intuition needs to be turned all the way up once with new partner meets your dating. How does he or she interact someone them? Does it seem natural or forced? Does their discipline style make you uncomfortable?
Do you not like the advice they give you when it comes to parenting your own kids? Trust me, these things matter, because if you overlook them now, they'll come back to bite you—and your dating on down the road.
Toe lightly when it comes to integrating yourself in the family
Trust your gut deeply and wholly during this time in your life. Listen to how your kids feel. If time passes and they just aren't warming up to your new partner or have endless complaints, listen, because children can be great judges of character. If your partner seems perfect for you, but is impatient or jealous of your time with your kids, demands you treat them differently, or makes them uncomfortable, honor that and run. You can always find another partner, but you may not be able to undo the damage that can come from your partner mistreating your children.
You deserve all of the love and more and a wonderful partner who gives someone to you, but that love should never come at the expense of your children's emotional well-being. What works for you should work for them, which will make life a lot sweeter in the long run.
Is it hard to date someone with kids?
Lifestyle Relationships. By Michelle Dempsey-Multack. Reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD. Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! Tell us why! Related Articles. Newsletter Sign Up.