If you're in college, or you ever went to college, you're familiar with a phenomenon that's known widely today as " hook up culture :" the Western tradition of getting together for quick flings and casual intimacy with your friends. The way it's supposed to work is, you go out and get drunk, and you wake up the next day with some girl you're friends with. The two of you smile and laugh about it and then go about your lives as if nothing had happened.
Or, perhaps, you hold a late night study session, and then the night goes a little later than either of you expected, and you end up in one another's arms. And then, the next day, friend it's a little awkward, but again, you smile and laugh about it and shrug it off and it's on to the next one. But there's a problem with this idea of hook up culture, and it's a problem that drives lots of men crazy pulling their hair out and throwing monkey wrenches into their own efforts to bring women into their lives. The problem is, hooking up with friends is that it doesn't quite work as advertised.
In fact, more often than not, it doesn't work at all. But why? We've all seen the movies. Friend sex-fests where every friend screws every other friend of the opposite sex. You sorry, upmarket dating sites think the stories about the guy who shags every girl in a social circle.
It seems like all you have to do if you want to make it happen hookup get good enough at social circle stuff, and then that magic will become yours too. But it hookup out it doesn't quite work that way. You get good at social circle And as you get hookup with women, you find yourself sleeping with all kinds of girls really fast from outside your circle.
But the better you get with women and with socializing, the further from success with girls you're friends with, it feels You can tell they like you, but they police themselves increasingly hard around you. What gives? There is this myth it took me a long time to friend was a myth regarding "hook up culture" and hooking up with friends. The myth is that it's really easy to hook up with friends when you're cool and fun and sexy and you don't care.
But the myth is wrong. Take a moment and think back over your experiences, if you've got a hookup of a background in getting together with girls at this point.
Of all the social circle hook ups you've had, how many were with women you knew well Women you'd just met that night, or perhaps only once before? I can see all the experienced guys out there nodding with me.
How to Hook Up With a Friend
Yep — women hook up with guys on the periphery of their circles. They don't have flings with men they know well. Sure, it happens. Everyone who's been in the game a while probably has a tale of some girl he was friends with hookup that he finally overcame the friend trap and bedded, and it was spectacular. But how many of his closer female friends did this happen with? Maybe one. Maybe two. For most guys, it's probably none. Friend every girl friend take as a lover who comes from your social circle, you'll find, comes from the edges of your social circle — not from the center of it.
Girls like:. Girls like that. It isn't the girls you're close with that you hook up with. It's the ones you aren't close with. It took me a long time to get this. Most men still don't get this. It's why you see so many guys plowing gargantuan heaps of time and resources into trying to woo women they've known forever, and not getting anywhere.
It feels counterintuitive to say it, but the fact is, a guy is going to do much better with a woman he hookup less, whom he's invested less in, and who sees him as less of a permanent fixture in her life. Because once he's become a fixture in her life, she doesn't want to upset the balance of things. She hookup to maintain the status quo — and hookup status quo is, the two of them are just friendsand that's where she'd like to keep it.
Men are risk takers. Women aren't. Men often forget this. Think about it like this. There's one woman and two men. One of the men the woman knows very well and is comfortable with. The other she hardly knows.
Who's she more likely to hook up with? If you think it's a trick question, that's because She's comfortable hookup him, and that other guy's a hookup stranger! They're risk averse. And when a woman looks at a situation like this, her mind is friend at the risks. Here's what it says:. Oh wow, I really like John, he's friend cool and charming and sexy, and I've been into him for a long time. But if I sleep with him now, I might lose the chance to be with him later, or I might lose him as a friend.
This other guy Chris, though, I don't know a whole lot about him, and he's just okay He is kind of cute and funny And then boom, she goes with the other guy she hardly knows that she likes a lot less, and the guy who knows her well goes home alone and curses the gods for not making any sense. He's put so much time friend effort into this girl, friend she goes home with that dirt bag she just met instead of him? There are probably about 3 billion men the world over who've been driven crazy by things like this at least once each, hookup oftentimes many more.
This happens to just about every guy.
The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends
Friend comes from a common disconnect between men and women. Men's goals are to sleep with as many attractive women as possible. Simple enough. You might see yourself as wanting to find your dream girl, but if you happened to know three girls who met your dream girl criteria, and they all wanted you We're men. It's simple with us. Women's goals are also to sleep with attractive partners, yes, but in addition they want to keep a lot of men in standby, for a variety of reasons.
Those men on standby can help them in their lives, do them favors like I mentioned in the post about Shopping Guyor serve as backups if things fall through with their man or they go through a dry spell or emotional turmoil.
Women put a lot of time and effort into building their stables of men on standby. Friend is very important to realize as hookup man. Women will sleep with you if you do things right, but if not they're often just as happy to keep you around as one of their backups or social supports. It's not that they're trying to use you, any more than you're trying to use a girl when you want to sleep with her. Just like you're thinking, "Of course she's going to have a great time in bed with me; I'm great!
Then what about the guys who do succeed at hooking up with friends? What's the secret? There's one big, important secret all the men who do great at hooking up with female friends of theirs hookup that all other men don't know: They know not to become a fixture to women until they're prepared to strike. Men who hook up with friends don't spend a lot of time hanging out with those friends all the time. Unlike the guys who try to win women's hearts by just being around them constantly and friend to know them super well, these guys instead only make brief, sporadic appearances, and often speak very little to the girls.
Maybe a few jokes here and there They friend get to know the girls in their circle very well, if ever. But wait, you might say — aren't I a huge proponent on here of deep diving and getting to know girls profoundly and intimately? Why, yes I am. I am indeed. But recall that I'm also a big proponent of moving very fast link women.
There's a reason for that: if friend get to know women well but don't move fast, you become a very good, very close friend of theirs, and a fixture in their lives. And that makes you far good dating therapist were valuable to risk losing over something as trivial as sex. So, you'll notice that any friend of yours who's reliably good at hooking up almost never gets to know a girl Only on that night does hookup pay any attention to her and visit web page to know her and talk to her and flirt with her.
Then, he friend the deal, invites her home, and they get together.
Until that night, he was on her periphery. Until that night, he was not a fixture in her life. That's the secret. The secret to hooking up with friends is remaining on their periphery until hookup moment you decide to make something happen.